Tag Archives: aging

The Kind of Old Person I Know I’m Going to Be

“I used to be quite the hot toddy when I was younger, I’ll have you know.”

I’ll probably have a bowl of Recess candies in the kitchen for when the grand kids come over.

They may complain that I smell of baby powder because I hate sweating, especially down my back, but I’ll pretend I’m partially deaf in one ear whenever anyone complains about me.
I’ll probably also smell like vodka and lemonade on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays.
I’ll most likely be complaining about my knees.
I’ll swear up and down someone is stealing my Tupperware.
I’ll have a flower garden and grow fresh tomatoes.
I’ll probably think most kids are stupid and rude, and I’ll pretend that when I was that age I had the utmost respect for elders.
I won’t be voting most likely, having been disillusioned from years of lying politicians and an electoral system that makes my vote virtually useless if I live in a non-swing state.
I’ll probably have a favorite grandchild.
I’ll start calling dinner supper and I won’t drink liquids past 6pm unless of course it’s Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I’ll have a gun in the house, somewhere, but I’ll probably not remember where.

I’ll be quoting the Bible too, as often as possible.
I’m going to have no idea what the kids are listening to these days.
I’m not going to know what the hell is going on with technology.
I’ll make sure my offspring and their offspring know just what a hot toddy  I was when I was younger. I’ll refer to any one night stand as a ‘suitor’, and dudes that hit on me as ‘gentlemen callers.’
I’ll probably stop shaving. Period.
I’ll definitely be taking up power walking.
I’ll make sure to say something offensive or startling every now and again to make sure people are still paying attention to me.
I’ll never leave the house without hydrated skin and a little blush.
I’ll lie about how old I am and if anyone presses, I’ll pretend I’m slightly deaf in both ears.



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